In a Richmond State of Mind...: Every Day, It's Sinking In....

Last Thursday evening started off much like any typical Thursday night in Richmond during session...after leaving work, I accompanied a good friend to a reception at the Jefferson Hotel. Then we headed back Downtown to the Tobacco Company for Thursday Night Caucus, which is a fun weekly session tradition in which legislators, LAs, lobbyists, and others in the political arena gather together to enjoy drinks and each other's company before the week wraps up. I spent most of the evening gabbing with a few good friends and my former roommates, as well as other LAs who I worked with at the General Assembly last year. The group I was sitting with established that the working world must be wearing on us, because by 10 p.m., we were all already pretty tired and getting ready to call it a night. It wasn't quite 10:30 when I noticed that my cell phone was vibrating in my purse, so I hurried to dig it out. The caller ID showed that it was Jon, so I answered and said “Hey Jon! I'm at caucus and it's super loud in here. Can I call you back later?” He said that was fine, but for me to call him as soon as I got back to my apartment. So, I took my sweet time, finishing up conversations and telling friends good-night. I finally arrived home about half an hour later, called Jon back, apologized for blowing him off, he asked about caucus and we made small talk for a little bit. Finally, he double-checked to make sure I was indeed back at my apartment. I assured him that I had literally just walked in the door and was hanging up my coat, he took a deep breath and began with “Well, I'm sure you probably know why I'm calling....”

For the past few months, every time I saw Mom or Jon's name pop up on my caller ID, my stomach flipped and I braced myself for the worst, and then breathed a sigh of relief once I realized that was not the news they were calling to tell me. But on Thursday when that was indeed the phone call that I'd been dreading, I wasn't expecting it. I'm so thankful to my bro that he wanted to make sure that I was safely home before delivering the news, but felt bad for making him wait 30 minutes to tell me.

As odd as it might seem, I didn't really even cry at first. I wanted to, but for the first time since Dad's diagnosis, the tears didn't come. I just sat there on my bed, shaking, yet numb, and hugging my favorite stuffed animal as tightly as I possibly could (yes I'm 23 and still sleep with a stuffed animal....Disney's Stitch, the adorable blue alien to be precise...and I've admittedly needed to hug him a lot since August...maybe I'll grow up one day).

For anyone who knows me well, it's probably needless to say that the not being able to cry part didn't last too long. I sat there for a while, not moving, just staring blankly at the floor, clutching onto Stitch while a million thoughts ran through my head, wanting more than anything to be at home with Mom and Jon. I finally managed to fall asleep sometime after 1:30, then woke up early and started throwing things into my suitcase. After stopping by the office for a few minutes on Friday morning, I hit 64-W and headed home. The two-hour drive, combined with an assortment of songs on the radio, provided lots of time for reflection as fond memories filled my head, coupled with thoughts of the last few times that I spent with my dad, including the very last time that I saw him, on Monday afternoon when I left to head back to Richmond.

As friends and family have visited over the past few days, lots of stories and memories of Dad have been shared. From tales of his hunting adventures to memories of him working at his beloved hardware store, these are the stories that will live on through those of us that he has left behind. I am grateful for these memories and so proud of the many lives that Dad touched over the years.

It's tough coming to grips with the fact that he's really gone and realizing that he won't be there for any of our life events in the future. He won't be there to walk me down the aisle if/when I get married. We won't get to tell him about career changes, ask his advice for big life decisions, see him smile and laugh at funny moments (he had the best smile and laugh!). I know he'll be looking down and watching us from heaven, but it's still hard and painful beyond words.

Despite the sad time that Mom, Jon, myself, and the rest of Dad's extended family and friends are going through right now, the outpouring of support over the past few days has been incredible! I feel so blessed and loved beyond measure by all of the wonderful people in my life who have visited, called, emailed, sent flowers, food, let us know they are praying for us, and offered their support in so many ways! Love you all SO very much! God's comforting touch through each of you is what's keeping us strong and getting us through this together.

As much as we love and miss him, Dad is in a much better place, free from the pain and suffering that he endured for so many years. I smile to think about him seeing Jesus face to face, and being reunited with my grandparents and everyone else who was there to welcome him to Heaven.

In case you were wondering, I've been bawling my eyes out pretty much the entire time that I've been writing this, and I'm sorry if this post has made you do the same. Tonight, I just finally got the courage to put my raw thoughts and emotions into words, and thought I would share them in case anyone was interested in reading them. Regardless, writing always makes me feel better, so it is what it is.

Save A Place for Me by Matthew West has been by far the most soothing, yet heart wrenching song for me during this difficult time. I've been listening to it on repeat for the past few days and no matter how many times I play it, it never gets old. In case you haven't heard it, I've posted the video below. I also included the lyrics, because they are spot on with how I'm feeling right now:

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why,
But I guess the answer's for another time.
So instead I'll pray with every tear,
And be thankful for the time I had you here.

And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Well, I hope you enjoyed that song as much as I do. Thanks so much for reading, but now it's time to wipe away the tears and think happy thoughts....it's what Dad would want for all of us.

Much love to you all,

Juliana