Wisdom, Grief, and Bacon Sundaes...

Well, I just got home from small group, and as usual, our discussions put me in a super contemplative mood, and since putting my thoughts into words helps me to process them better, I figured this would be a good opportunity for a new blog post while I'm motivated to write. My mind is kind of all over the place right now, so please bear with me as I have a feeling that I'm going to be jumping around between topics even more than usual.

Let's see....Memorial Day weekend seems like an excellent place to start, so here it goes...

Our office had a shortened work day on Friday due to the holiday weekend, so we used the opportunity to finally carry out the terms of a charity fundraising competition wherein my boss was collecting donations for me, the office vegetarian, to eat a bacon sundae. The opposing faction collected donations to "Save Juliana and the Ice Cream, Too" under the premise that if they raised more money than my boss, I wouldn't have to eat the bacon concoction, but he would have to eat a soy dog instead. It became quite a heated (but friendly) competition, and ultimately the Save Juliana fund came out on top. So, on Friday, my boss ate the soy dog, as he promised he would, but my co-workers really wanted to see me taste a bacon sundae, and since everyone's efforts raised quite a lot more for charity than originally anticipated, I decided to be a good sport about it and agreed to take a couple of bites for their entertainment. The video clip below is evidence that this actually happened...watch it for a good laugh, as I can assure you that this will never happen again! :P

After this fun event, I finished up some work and then hit the road and headed home to spend the extended weekend in the Valley. I very much enjoyed spending some quality time with my mom, hanging out with some good friends who I don't get to see very often, and concocting some new culinary experiments in Mom's kitchen. The weekend provided a perfect balance of fun along with some much needed relaxation.

On Sunday morning, Mom and I went to the caffeinated service at HBC (my church home during college, which I wish I could have brought to Richmond with me, but since that was unfortunately out of the question, I always go back to visit anytime I'm in the area). The praise band (which I was a part of for several years and miss dearly) sounded awesome and led us in some of my favorite praise & worship songs...the kind with music and lyrics that really prepare your heart and mind for worship. During the video that played after the praise set, I started leafing through the bulletin and the topic of Pastor Jack's sermon quickly caught my attention....Facing Death With Hope. Jack's sermons always interest me, but I was especially intrigued by where he was going to go with this topic.

Now keep in mind, I don't believe in coincidence. So, it was (in my opinion) no coincidence that Jack ended up speaking about grief...which is exactly what I've been needing to hear for a while now. Several things he pointed out in his sermon were especially comforting to me. He said that as Christians, we should not grieve as those without hope, but instead "We want to be like Jesus, so why not grieve like Jesus?" Then he told the story of Jesus and how he reacted to the death of Lazarus. His reaction is summed up in John 11:35, the shortest verse in the Bible (KJV), which simply says: Jesus wept. Jesus loved Lazarus and was overcome with sadness at his friend's death, just like we experience an overwhelming sadness when we lose a loved one. Then, Jack offered more comforting words: "Sadness is normal to the Christian when he or she is grieving the loss of someone...Jesus didn't hold back his emotion and neither should we."

Over these past 4 1/2 months, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with this thing called grief. For a while, I just tried to keep myself insanely busy so I didn't have to deal with it, trying to pretend that I was stronger than I am, and thinking that maybe if I just kept ignoring the emotions that were raging deep inside of me, they would just go away and I wouldn't have to face them, but that ultimately resulted in many late night breakdowns, alone in my bedroom while tightly clutching my favorite stuffed animal. These breakdowns just made me feel even worse, because then I felt guilty for wallowing in self-pity and for being so selfishly sad when I know that Dad is in Heaven, finally free from all suffering and pain....

One of my friends from small group suggested that I should read C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, as he thought that would be beneficial to me. He let me borrow his copy and I started reading it, but have since gotten sidetracked and need to get back to it. But, to make a long story short, Pastor Jack's sermon on Sunday couldn't have been more appropriately timed, and it has really given me a new perspective on the grieving process and the fact that I don't need to feel guilty for being sad. I find great comfort each time I am reminded of the most important takeaway from Jack's sermon: "We grieve not as those without hope, but with hope."  Now I understand that it's okay for us to be sad, and even angry, as long as we have hope and faith that we will be reunited in Heaven someday.

So, now that I've probably made you all worry about my emotional stability (I promise I'm okay....just "In Repair" as I like to think of it, based on one of my favorite John Mayer songs), I'm going to totally switch gears and jump to the topic of wisdom...In every spiritual gifts survey that I've taken over the past several years, wisdom/knowledge is usually pretty low on the totem pole. In fact, I scored so low in this category during one of our various leadership retreats during college that my verbal reaction "Yeah, I'm not so much with the knowledge," became a funny slogan that I would use as an excuse anytime I had a blonde moment (which happens to me more often than you might think! LOL). Ironically enough, for the past two weeks, my small group has been praying for God to give me wisdom. We're not talking about book sense here, but rather practical wisdom to replace my stubborn, sometimes bone-headed, rationale that I use to make decisions. Most recently, this relates to my decision to ignore my knee issues (i.e. when I do things like run 8.5 miles even though my knee is bothering me). Apparently, those prayers were pretty effective last week, since I took the entire week off from running in order to give my knee some time to feel better and rest. However, strangely enough, it started bugging me again, out of the blue over the weekend, and was especially bothersome yesterday and today. Considering that I haven't run for over a week, this baffles me. But alas, I keep postponing scheduling another appointment with my orthopedic specialist, because a. I keep thinking about other things that $40 co-pay from each visit could be going toward instead of a doctor's appointment, and b. I'm worried he will tell me that I'm not allowed to run in the Torch Run next Friday...yet again, my stubbornness to do what I want to do is getting in the way of my practical wisdom in the matter. So, extra prayers for my knee issues, and for wisdom not to strain them anymore would be greatly appreciated! Many thanks! :)

Okay, it's 2:00 am, and I'm not in college anymore....6:40 is going to come early, so it's time for bed.

Night y'all!