Heavy thoughts after a light and fun-filled extended weekend...

After my couz took me out for breakfast at Bakery 821 this morning, I took advantage of having some free time on my day off and headed to the gym. 

My delish breakfast at Bakery 821: Tofu Scramble! Just wanted to gross out all of you anti-tofu, meat-lovers :)

Aside from trying to get back in shape after bouncing back from all of my running injuries and training for the Monument Ave. 10K again, one of the other benefits of working out and going for long runs is that both activities provide time to think and reflect upon things that I don’t usually otherwise take the time to process. Being the type of person who tends to associate dates with life events and anniversaries, this morning as I was working up a sweat on the elliptical, I couldn’t shake the memory of today’s anniversary. No, I’m not referring to MLK, Jr. Day, although the work holiday is what actually reminded me of this deeply personal and painful anniversary....One year ago today was the last time I saw my dad :(   

I still remember that weekend quite vividly…it was the first weekend after session began. Instead of heading home after work on Friday to spend the entire extended weekend with the fam, I stuck around RVA to help a friend move-in and get acquainted with Richmond. On Sunday morning, I went to church and then headed home, arriving in the late afternoon. I spent Sunday evening and Monday with the fam. I remember sitting at Dad’s bedside as he endured so much pain, and feeling helpless that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make it better. On Monday afternoon around 3:00 p.m., I quietly walked to his bedside where he was sleeping, gently shook him awake to tell him goodbye, hugged him and kissed the top of his head, then left and made the 2 hour drive back to Richmond. Not surprisingly, I went straight to the gym when I got back, since that was my method for dealing with my emotions during that difficult phase. Looking back at my day planner, the rest of my week (after work, of course) looked like this: Tuesday - Supper Club at Helen's, Wednesday - Trivia Night at Penny Lane Pub, and finally, Thursday, January 20th. 

I still remember everything about that night...The glass of chardonnay I was sipping while sitting in one of the leopard print chairs in the back room at Tobacco Company, chatting with friends at Thursday Night Caucus and laughing about how lame we had become because it was barely past 10 p.m. and we were already yawning, whereas only a year before, we would have just been heading out to Richbrau to get the night started. More than anything, I remember blowing off the most important phone call of my life and making Jon wait for an entire half hour until I got home and finally called him back. If I had only known how that week was going to play out, would I have done things differently? Absolutely. Would I have stayed home that week so we could have all been together at the end? Without a doubt. But that's the funny thing about God's timing for our lives...we're not supposed to know how it's going to play out, and we can't beat ourselves up by thinking about what we should have done instead. It's taken me a while to come to grips with that, but I think I'm finally there, so at least I've made some progress, even if only baby steps.

For several weeks now, I’ve been dreading this coming Friday, because for some reason, the realization that an entire year has gone by without Dad being a part of it is not something that I’m willing/able to grasp just yet. We’ve made it through lots of “firsts” without him…first birthdays, first Father’s Day, first Christmas, etc., and everyone says that it gets easier from here. I know dwelling on the past isn’t healthy, but there’s a part of me that feels like moving on is equivalent to forgetting, and I never want to forget anything about Dad…not even the last time I saw him, as painful as it is to remember. I worry that those memories will start to fade if I don't keep actively trying to remember, but even the good memories remind me of how much I miss him...oh well, I guess it's only natural to be sad when you lose someone you love...

While I know avoidance isn’t the right way to go about dealing with things, I tend to not talk about my feelings in this area very much, except to a very select number of close friends. I had been having several tough nights lately as I kept dwelling on the looming anniversary, so I finally opened up and asked my amazing small group to pray for me and the fam as we approach the one year mark…I know they did too, because God definitely answered right away! He filled the rest of the week with a visit from my bro, lunch dates with friends, a visit from my cousin, a jam packed, fun-filled weekend of dinners, movies, dancing, manicures, etc. with friends, and even an eye-opening community service opportunity.

And as of this morning, he also opened my heart and mind to the realization that Friday doesn't have to be the terribly sad and painful day that I've been dreading. During my workout, I was reminded that each day is whatever we choose to make of it. So, instead of focusing on the sadness that I feel inside, I have decided to change my outlook for Friday and honor my dad by embracing the positive memories and doing something fun that would make him happy…I haven’t figured out what that’s going to be yet, but I know he wouldn’t want us to be moping around and crying all day…Granted, not a day goes by when we don’t miss him and think of him, but a year later, I’m still trying to get to the point where I can fully rejoice in the fact that he’s in Heaven, free from pain and suffering. It truly is time to stop feeling sorry for myself and to put forth my best effort to replace the tears with smiles and to celebrate the day when we will be reunited forever.

Wow, when I started this post I didn't intend to get quite this deep, but it felt good to type out my thoughts. I'm sorry if the details were a little too graphic at times, but one thing I've learned over the past year is to be open and honest about my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. So, there you have it...raw emotion with no sugarcoating! On that note, it's back to the real working world tomorrow, so I'm going to sign off and do a bit of reading before bed. If anyone has ideas for something fun to do on Friday, I'm open to suggestions! :)

Night y'all! Thanks for reading and for helping me deal with the emotional rollercoaster ride that has been my life during 2010-2011. Here's to great things and new beginnings in 2012!